When the panic sets in

Sooooo … the point of being an author is to actually write something that (please Lord) will one day be published, right?  And in order to achieve this momentous feat it necessitates submitting the said something that you’re going to write.  Obvious, no?  Indeed.

The planner within, of course, demands that there are copious amounts of planning, research, organising and plotting before I sally forth and put pen to paper, so to speak.  That’s what I did.  I sallied forth and produced copious amounts of planning, research, organising and plotting before putting pen to paper … then I sat down and put pen to paper … or rather, I put fingers to keyboard.  I even got ± 3500 words written, after much blood, sweat, tears and cursing.  By the end of it I was quite chuffed with myself.  I saved my work, exited Word and shut down my laptop with intentions of doing it all again tomorrow.

Fast forward to tomorrow …

As is my (really, really bad) habit I sat before my WIP* and read over what I’d written in the last couple of days … and that’s when the panic set in.  In my eyes it was all cr@p!  What had I written?  What on earth had I been thinking?  Did I seriously think I could do this?  Why on earth would any potential readers want to read this drivel?  And so, I did what I always do … as is the outcome of my (really, really bad) habit and hence the reason why it’s such a bad habit … I deleted 3000 words.  Yup, that’s what I did.  I deleted 3000 word.  And proceeded to have a melt down any two year old would be proud of … me?  Not so much.  When I finally pulled myself towards myself I realised that was not my proudest moment.

In the grand scheme of things:

a)   3000 words is not the end of the world … it just felt like it!

b)   There are bigger tragedies … although at the time it didn’t feel like it!

c)   All authors go through this … once again, at the time it didn’t feel like it!

big girl pantiesThere I sat, in front of my laptop, heartbroken, panicky and wondering what the hell I thought I was doing.  But you see, God has blessed me with some truly wonderful friends along this road to writing.  All I had to do was reach out to realise that, indeed, (a) 3000 words was not the end of the world, (b) there are bigger tragedies and (c) I am not alone in this.  (Recently this particular friend culled 13 000 words … 13 000! 😱  I felt her pain!!!)

I am happy to report that I pulled on my big girl panties, sat my heiny down in front of my laptop and am, once again, working on the word count of my short story for submission.  Sadly, due to lost time I’ve had to move my deadline date for completion of the first draft but I’m diligently working towards getting this story written.  I still have my moments of panic that have me awake at 3.30 a.m. but I’m working on getting better at believing in myself so hopefully one day, in the not too distant future (please Lord) Sebastian and Serena’s (short) story will be told and I will not have gone through this mini-breakdown in vain.  In the meantime, I will continue to put pen to paper – or rather, fingers to keyboard, and continue to craft their story for your reading pleasure.

Wish me luck. Open-mouthed smile

*WIP : Work In Progress

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